…poem I made for RICO.

This is the letter I sent him. this would be the very first and last time I’d say what I really feel for him. There’s no reason to stay. There’s no reason to keep holding on. I’m letting go…  (help me God)

Too many times I tried to run and just walk away

Too many times I’ve seen myself crying without you knowing,

Too many times I tried to fight it,

Too many times I’ve asked myself how and why,

Did I fall for someone who can never be mine?

Too many times I denied and lied about it,

Too many times I made myself believe that it can never be true,

Too many times I tried to just forget about it,

Too many times I played games with my mind,

But never did I win the battle.

Too many times my heart wanted to despise you,

Too many times my brain wanted to let go of the memories,

Too many times my lips wanted to curse your name,

Too many times the whole me wanted to refuse you,

I don’t know why can’t I, maybe because….

Too many times I wanted to let you know,

Too many times I spoke you name, you just don’t know,

Too many times I strayed from the truth, because it hurts,

But no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do,

My soul still longs for you.

Too many times I held on, because that’s what you wanted me to do,

Too many times I thought I could wait,

Because my forever CAN’T BE FOREVER without you,

The thought of losing you breaks me. Yes, it kills me.

But I guess, this is what LOVE is.

I don’t know how many times,

All I know is that, I’ve done all of these countless times,

Countless cold, lonely and sleepless nights,

Thinking of letting you go, is hard as hell,

Makes me just wanna fly away and lose the part of my memory where I met you,

Just to let go, to let go of you.

I’ll only say this once,

Just to be fair to myself and so I could breathe,

I LOVE YOU. SO MUCH THAT I TOOK ALL THE RISKS,

That I didn’t care what others would say,

That I didn’t care if you’ll not love me back,

That I never ask for anything in return.

I love you .You just don’t know how much.

I’ve been keeping this inside myself…

But now is the right time to break the silence, and to say the things I’ve never said.

…….For the past 9 months I have been in this situation where I choose to fall – I’ve tear down all my defenses just to be with you.

If I won’t tell u all of this, how will you ever know?

Remember when you first asked me if I love you, I was too scared to burst my emotion – I love you and what I feel for you is real.

…I wanna be renewed

I’ve done so many things that displeased you. I didn’t want to do them, I didn’t intend to do them but I was totally out of control. Please, let your hands have total control over me. Guide me and help me get out from the earthly pleasures , I don’t need them, They’re not good for me. I knew what do to, but , these earthly pleasures blinded me. Lord, I’ve failed you so many times. I’m sorry. But here I am, crying out, Lord All I need is you. Nobody can change me but you. I know it’s only your love that could heal me. Lord, I want to live according to your will and desire. I don’t wanna live my life the way I wanted it to be. Please renew my soul and my heart. Lord, you know what have been playing in my mind that’s why I’ve been like this, but I still believe that you alone can fulfill the emptiness I feel. You’re more than enough for me, My God.  Lord embrace me with your righteousness. Lord, I need you… I don’t wanna be the way I’ve been. I don’t wanna displease you. I love you so much. Please Lord, control my life. I need complete restoration of my self. Make my faith stronger. Make me whole again. I love you so much Lord.

… the love of my life

My Lord, I am just so happy that I have you in my Life. Your love is exceptional. I can’t help but cry the tears of joy every time I feel your presence. I will praise you forever and I would never ever let go of you. Please hold me closer. Embrace me with your love. I don’t need anyone but You, My Lord. I love you more than anything in this world.

… broken

It’s Sunday and I am chilling with my favorite coffee and my self. I got my favorite tune playing while I’m doing the “warm up”. Ha!

LOVE.
Ohh L-o-v-e., Such a cheesy word.

A friend of mine couldn’t function at work because of it.
Another friend of mine doesn’t want to get married anymore because of it.
One of my guy buddies nearly killed him self because of it.
My friend’s girl friend became an alcoholic bitch because of it.

Traumatizing. Yet, people still fall and choose to have it.
As for me?! That’s my greatest FRUSTATION of all!!! Haha.

It feels like there’s always a number of “WRONGS” in loving. It never left a single positive word in my mind to describe IT.

I always chose to have it, but they didn’t know how to keep it.
They wanted me but they didn’t want me to stay.
But when I strayed, they wanted me back.
Confusing.

L O V E
It controls you, molds you, uses you…

L O V E
You stumbled, you fell, you broke…
You picked up the pieces… moved on…
And then, you went back to the process again.

L O V E
Been there, done that.,,
Now, you know it hurts..
You don’t wanna be there anymore.
Now, you’re isolated.
Freezing cold. Numb.

I haven’t learned much even though I’ve almost swam the deepest part of it. I just keep coming back and wanting more and more. Savoring its pain and sweetness is addictive. Very addictive. Trust me.

… False Friend

I don’t understand why some people act nicely in front of your face but bitch you out behind your back. You will see these kinds of people all over the place. I just don’t get it. I personally call or describe them as “DIFFICULT”. I’ve been involved in “showbiz-like” issues I never thought ever existed. They would talk about my past, my life, how I’ve been, my flaws and EVERYTHING about me. I don’t know what’s so special about me and why people SIMPLY DIG ME? hahaha. I live my life the way I want it to be or if I did the other way around or if I totally messed it all up, I don’t think they have the right to buzz about it.

Don’t they have their own lives to focus on? I mean, we all have our own HANG UPS, so, why don’t they deal JUST deal with their own and mind their own LIFE?

I just found out that one of my friends has been talking about me. I sincerely treated her as one of my trusted friends, only to find out that she’s been stabbing my back. That’s so sad… but I can’t stop her. I am not going to deal with her destructively. I’ll remain apathetic about it. She’s still my friend but things won’t be the same anymore.

As what the saying goes, “you can never please everyone”. That is so true. As for my friend, I wish her to be mature enough and may she find happiness and contentment in stabbing people’s back. (Laugh) Great JOB my friend!!!

By looking at reality, you can never trust anyone, even your bestest friend except for YOU, YOURSELF ALONE and the ONE above, who will surely love you despite of your imperfections. Sure, he gives you HARD LESSONS but always remain true =)

…virgin-like thoughts

I’m still working on some ideas I would like to write about. I’m still indecisive on what to put in. A good friend of mine called me this afternoon and made me feel excited about writing and putting up new ideas. I wish I could write something … something more meaningful… well, not just about the typical “love sick thing“. But because of my hectic schedule, I barely watch television or get to read media stuffs that would help open my eyes to more broad topics. My thoughts are locked. I feel deprived. I need a break. I need to explore more about every single thing.

A friend from work lent me a book about smart women. I haven’t go through the pages yet but I really think it’s a great book and I’ll definitely take time to read it. You may want to have a glimpse of it. ( 10 smart moves for women who want to succeed in love and life by dianna booher )

Anyway, since this is my first time to write here. I don’t have much thought to share. I’ve been a busy woman lately and if there are things I could write right now …that would be about my pains and aches. As for the moment, I don’t want to talk about my frustrations. My mood is up and I don’t want to ruin my day. It’s 5:37pm and my typical day starts at 10:00pm. Let me live this day with a BIG SMILE on my face.